Autoj Writings

Reaching downward. There's only blackness to my eyes.

I think, I'm falling.

I can feel gentle wind on my face and I feel the pit in my stomach of old panic. Down. Yeah, I don't have a choice of where I go now anyway. I'm already falling. I had been trying to go Down before. I don't know why it would be scary.

The sensations aren't scary. No, freeing would be more like it. The panic in my stomach resurfaces. I lose myself and try to see into the black below. Nothing. My stomach drops further. I shift to try to touch the walls or anything. I'm falling. I think about how this ends. It's far too long for me to be safe from a landing. Why isn't the wind faster? If this is terminal velocity then it should be so loud that its all I hear. I only hear my heart, furious in my panic. I give up. The futility brings tears to my eyes. I don't know why I would care. I knew going Down was good but why if I wasnt going to survive?

A light.

My eyes were immediately drawn. Hope. Dread. That was The End then. The light didn't move, even though it was Down in the black. Sweat went cold from the light wind. No. No, I would rather fall forever than have that light get any closer. All I could do was stare at it. It never got bigger than a pin prick in the dark. I must be imagining it.

I shut my eyes. Still there when I opened, still the same. My panic ebbs as the time drags with no change. Time-dilation from panic? I close my eyes again, so tight I see lights behind my eyes. The light stayed the same. My mind wanders but my eyes don't seem to. Always straining to see into the light. They ache, my head aches.

I close my eyes from the light. This is scarier. Now I can't even see the ground as it comes up. I could just hit it without knowing. My eyes flash open to no change. The light is small and the wind is gentle, but I'm still falling. I can see my tears now and I feel them being pulled into my hair, teased by the wind, I can't really remember what lead me here. I don't know why this happened. Why was going Down good again? Why was I here? I fracture as sobs stir my insides.

ID#17

Where do I start? I guess there really isn't a way to just ease into all this.

Good food everyday. I want to eat. I want to drink. My body moves. Dances and sways. I feel the vibration of my planet and my Space and move with it. Inside and out. I know tomorrow is covered. In rain and shine and diamonds. I eat. I play. I dance. I sway. I want for all and nothing. I see beautiful skies. Warmth on my face. My hair lifted in a breeze, my toes in cool water, my hands in the dirt, the smell of hot grass in the air. Its enough to fall asleep. There's nothing pressing to do. Everything happens. My body and mind are one.